


Gymnopédie

by icmorenofts



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Depression, Drug Use, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Swearing, Weed, late night walks, mentions of eating disorders, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-17 15:09:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21056441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icmorenofts/pseuds/icmorenofts
Summary: Depression is a maze Jaehyun wants to get out of, but he keeps getting lost.





	Gymnopédie

He’s wrecked.

Like, _really_ wrecked, he feels his insides shattering to pieces at the same time he hears the raindrops hit his jacket, the floor, everything around him. He’s in so much pain he’s stopped crying and now his gaze is lost in all the city lights underneath him, his heart aches, his eyes burn, his mouth is dry and god does everything have to hurt this bad?

He rolls up yet another joint, it’s his third in about four hours he’s been walking outside, he’s so high he feels like he’s walked a mile when he gives a step to the side, his mind has to be this fogged so his own thoughts don’t drown him and make him jump and fall with shame on the trees. Poor flowers, he thinks.

It wasn’t raining that bad when he went out, just a light shower that would only scare you away, but as time passed, just like his thoughts, it became worse. He doesn’t mind though, rain is so underrated he feels bad, he wants to write a whole book about the things you could do in the rain instead of staying home and sleeping, he loves rain.

He doesn’t realize he’s already smoked most of his joint already, it only hits him when it burns in between his fingers, reminding him he can force one last puff before he throws the butt away, but he doesn’t, he keeps the burning sensation in there for as long as it lasts, it’s the only thing he feels, after all.

God he hates himself, he really does, he hates his guts more than his own mother, his classmates, he’s ashamed of being him, he hates when he breaks down and cries silently in the shower, or when he fully sobs and cries into his pillows, he hates when he feels lower than everyone else around him, he hates the most when he’s alone at night, walking alone with his thoughts, holding hands with something that harms his body.

But honestly, that’s what he deserves, he’s not enough and he will never be.

Not enough in primary school when everyone thought he was so smart only because he liked to read books and knew a couple songs in another language, not in high school when he tried his hardest for every class but always failed maths, not later on when his grandfather died and he didn’t cry enough for someone that loved him that much, that called him the light of his eyes, neither when he developed an eating disorder but didn’t get thin enough, didn’t lose enough weight, or when he fell for the first time for someone and just didn’t have enough love to give. He wasn’t enough when he tried to commit suicide like 6 times by the time he was 17, never enough.

He drops the butt and a tear drop takes its place, he cries out of the burning pain in his fingers and inside him.

_ Why?_ He wonders, hasn’t it been long enough for his depression to fuck off away from him? Hasn’t it been like 8 years? He’s moved on from some serious shit and break ups so why can’t he just be a _normal_ person?

He must look ridiculous right now, he’s holding his hand and crying into his own elbow leaning against a light pole, his mouth is open in an ugly way and he feels snot dripping down past his lips, he’s disgusting, his hair is a mess and he’s all wet, the smudged eyeliner he likes to do must be either all gone or rubbed all around his face, absolutely, fucking disgusting.

Time goes by, and he finally looks up, everything is blurry because of his teary eyes, city lights look as pretty as ever, at least that’s a good thing. He wipes his face with the inside of his shirt and snorts up the snot that didn’t fully come out, his mouth is so dry it hurts to swallow and of course he’s hungry as fuck.

Get your shit together, he thinks and he throws a peace sign at no one before he starts walking to the nearest convenience store.

He tries not to think about anything that is not the nice rain smell, or how nice the weather actually is despite the rain, or how good it feels to walk when he’s this high, he thinks about all the stuff he’ll get- tteokbokki and some fish cakes, he grabs one of those rice triangles, maybe some sausages and grape soda as well, fuck eating for the rest of the week he’s hungry.

When he gets a grip of all those things he hurries to pay, eager to eat and focus on something else that isn’t “are you good enough” in the back of his mind.

“It’s $12” He doesn’t even look up as he pulls out two bills, the bright light burning his eyes and his hands shaking from all the hunger.

“Sorry, this one’s for free since it’s been 13 minutes past its expiry date”

He chuckles looking up at the cashier his bloodshot, squinty eyes meeting wide and joyful ones. He looks at the name tag and inhales the sweaty filled cologne coming from the other guy.

“I hope I die from eating that, Taeyong” oh but he really does. 

He doesn’t seem to find that amusing, “So that’s $9 instead”

“I’m Jaehyun” He unnecessarily introduces himself as he reaches out the bill. “Come join me fill my body with food since it lacks love?”

God, what is wrong with him, this is fucking why you’re always lonely, your fucked up sense of humor is only funny to you ohmygodohmygodohm-

“I still have some time before my shift ends”

He nods, taking the change back and heading for the plastic table outside, once there he stares blankly at his food, still hungry but he knows after this he will still be completely ruined inside tomorrow, and the day after, and the week after, and he lets himself cry quietly as he starts opening the packages and eats as his blurry vision tries to figure out the lights around him.

“I also have spare love”

The chair in front of him slides, and there’s more slightly expired food put on the table, warmth wraps around his body just briefly, just letting him know there’s someone with him.

He’s wrecked, he still has tear trails down his cheeks and his eyes are still puffy and dry and his heart still hurts, but here it comes again.

_ Some hope._

**Author's Note:**

> this just came to me because ive been feeling sad, hope you enjoy though
> 
> boo if you sad dont be sad alone that feels like shit, talk to me i'll always listen
> 
> i apologize for the tagging and spelling mistakes because i speak three languages how do you expect me to keep up with english
> 
> title is gymnopedie no. 1


End file.
